Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

As I sit here tonight a week before Christmas, my hope and prayers are that everyone enjoys their times with their families and friends and please thank God each day for the time you have with one another. My candles are lit, the tree is lit and the outside lights are on but it just isn't the same this year. I have sent Mike several boxes of home baked treats that he received the other night and said they all got there fine.

Mike recently did his re-enlistment for another 6 years!! I am so proud of him and I hope he knows I will stand beside him the whole way. We will be heading to Hunter Army Airfield when he comes back. Love Georgia!!! We won't be that far from the ocean and when Kyla found out we will be outside of Savannah she wants to go to Paula Deen's restaurant. She has that planned for when my mom and dad come down.

As this time of year comes it brings out a lot of emotions in everyone, some good and some not so good. I think we are doing alright here. We have our ups and downs but we are making it. Kyla recently made Region Choir down here which is a huge accomplishment. I am so proud of her. She has such a beautiful voice. They recently had their Christmas concert and the last song they always sing is, I'm Sending you a Little Christmas which anyone who knows me knows the flood gates opened. It is a beautiful song but hits us very close to home.

I think with all the rushing around this time of year some tend to forget what this season is for and to truly be thankful for what each of us have in our lives. I also think that sometimes we forget what makes each of us truly happy, but I think if we each would look down deep inside us we will find our true happiness and in turn be a happier person to ourselves and each other.

We decided to stay in Texas for Christmas for several reasons, the weather back in Missouri and the drive is just a little much for one person by themselves. I really didn't want to get snowed in up there. Peanut would never forgive me.. Christmas will be different for us this year but Kyla and I will make it. It will be her first Christmas without her daddy so I'm trying to make it special for her. Our thoughts are with Mike and being away from one another this year so when we sit down to dinner a special prayer will be send and a candle will remain lit for Mike and those we have lost too.

Please take time during this busy season and stop and remember those who are in your lives daily and that you love and care for. Kyla and I will keep each of you in our thoughts and prayers. Please continue to pray for all our military men and women.

Thankful

As everyone knows by now it is a very hard week here at Fort Hood. One of our own attacked our own and killed 13 people and injured many many more on Thursday, November 6th at 1:34 p.m. Where this started is about a mile and half from our home on post. I had Peanut outside and heard sirens but didn't think much because we hear them all the time. I came in and turned on my computer because it was about the time for Mike to get on line and seen where a shooting had happened here. Once I turned on the local news I was in disbelief. It was a little bit later they came over the PA system telling us to take shelter and lock all doors and windows.

The post was put on lock down, no one coming in or out unless emergency workers. Kyla's school was lock downed, there are no high schools on post. It was to have been an early out day for them, some of the elementary and middle school children on post had just gotten home when this started. Kyla called and asked what was going on and I explained to her what we knew at that point. I sent Mike a hurried e-mail to let him know where Kyla was and that we were alright physically. I, like everyone else here, spent the day and night glued to our televisions and computers. There were so many conflicting reports being reported that it changed all the time.

During this time our phone lines were so jammed, calls coming in were so sporadic. I couldn't get out to Kyla and couldn't even send a text. My sister back in Missouri was able to call Kyla and then relayed information back and forth. Mike was able to get online finally. While we were talking is when they released the information that it was a soldier who had done this. He did his best to calm me down while we were IM'ing. I can't imagine how they are feeling over there. Our loved ones leave to go to a war zone leaving their families and friends here thinking we are safe... I think they are wondering what all us are, how the hell did this happen??? How could one of our own do this to their fellow soldiers??? I know there are so many questions that will never be answered.

Finally between 7:00 p.m. and 7:30 p.m. they lifted the lock downs. I left the house to go get Kyla because we had to physically pick our kids up. It took me almost 2 hours to get off post to her school. This is normally a 15 minute drive. All I could do when I seen her come down the stairs at school was to grab her and cry. I held on to her all the way to the car. Once we were on our way home I had to tell her the difference between what rumors she heard at school. It is amazing what kids come up with. Once home we were glued to the television again. There was no sleep that night for me. Every noise I heard I jumped and I was up and down checking on Kyla while she was sleeping.

Friday was a a day filled with tears and questions. Something inside me told me turn off the TV but I just couldn't do it. I walked Kyla to the bus stop and stayed until the bus came. Once I heard the bus in the afternoon to drop her off I was outside waiting. Finally Friday night I just shut off the news and the computer. I was able to get some sleep off and on.

I can not tell everyone how much their e-mails, texts, phone calls and face book messages mean to us. I am so thankful for the family and friends that we have!! When the shooting started Mike's mom had called to check on us and I couldn't talk, just sob. My parents called next and I just lost it again. There were people who work off post but their children were on post either in school or daycare. Those poor parents couldn't get to their babies for hours. It was hard enough of those of us with older kids and couldn't reach them but I can't imagine having a little one and not being able to get to them.

I had been off post earlier in the day. I had went to a post office off post to mail Mike's Thanksgiving boxes off and stopped at the PX and commissary on my way home. I had thought about going to clothing and sales but decided not to. Had I gone I would have been on the road where this happened at that time. Sometimes things change and happen and we stop and think what could have happened. One of my friends husbands just got home this past week from Iraq and his unit was supposed to have been in that building and by the Grace of God their unit changed dates and he wasn't there.

I know when we are younger a lot of us have said "we couldn't wait to get out of our home town" and I never thought I would say this but I am so looking forward to going back in a few weeks. Like I have said, we've got the most amazing friends and family that I hope they know how much they mean to us. Our feelings have been all over the place in the past 48 hours. I don't want to leave the house for anything. I don't want to go off post for the fear if something happens and I can't get back home and I don't want to go anywhere on post for the fear of something happening. I know we can't stay in the house forever but for now there is no reason to go anywhere. I don't know if that fear will ever leave 100% for us here. Not only do some of us have our loved ones deployed but some are away for trainings and different schools so they weren't here and could only do so much over the phone lines and computers. Some of the feelings are just disbelief and shock and why...

Please keep all the family, friends, those who witnessed this tragedy and everyone here at Fort Hood in your thoughts and prayers. Also, please keep all of our military in your thoughts and prayers. Please know we are so grateful for all the thoughts and prayers..

We made it

We made it half way there this week!! To us that is a huge milestone. Now to get through the holidays. Mike is settled back in there and we are getting back to our routines here. On Saturday Kyla had tryouts for 9/10 region choir and she made it through the first round!! The judges said she was excellent, now she has to get ready for the next round which will be a lot harder piece of music. She also made A/B honor roll this quarter!!

I made it through my ankle surgery and I can't say enough how nice it is for it not to be hurting like it was. Thank goodness for a dear friend of mine down here for taking me, bringing me home, taking me to the doctor and checking on me daily to make sure we didn't need anything. Kyla was a huge help on top of laughing at me on crutches.

As I sit here writing this I, by chance, turned on one of the music stations on TV and YEAH they are playing Christmas music. I can see Mike sitting here in his chair shaking his head at me.. I sent him a email to let him know...LOL

My dear friend who lost her husband earlier this year in Afghan had her baby this last week. He is a beautiful healthy boy. He is so precious. I'm sure his big brother just loves him. I can't even imagine the emotions she had giving birth but I know her husband was smiling down from Heaven with his huge smile. Nicki is such a loving and caring person and I wish her and her children the absolute best. God Bless You Nicki and Connor and Cooper..

I already have 3 boxes to send over to Mike for Thanksgiving. Since there won't be a home cooked meal I have sent him similar items for Thanksgiving and things that he is thankful for. Kyla was talking last night that Thanksgiving will be hard with him not here with us, but we will be back in MO with our families. Christmas we are staying here in TX. We will start decorating as soon as we get back and start baking goodies to send to Mike.

Kyla and I are doing good. We have our moments but overall we are making it. My neighbor told me last night that he doesn't see how we do it because it is impossible for two females to live in the same house together and not want to cause bodily harm to one another...LOL I told him he just doesn't hear us...LOL Kyla has grown so much in the past 6 months and I mean emotionally. I think having a parent in the military makes them realize how important the little things in life are and not just the big things. She now knows what we meant when we told her to take time and enjoy life because tomorrow is not a sure thing for any of us. She has such a beautiful heart and caring heart and like her daddy she doesn't like to show her emotions but there are times they get the better of her and I will hear a sniffle and see a tear.

Please keep all of our military men and women in your thoughts and prayers.

Friendships and Family

As I sat here this week finally able to breath a little better knowing Mike made it back over there safely, I realized I have a whole new "family". My military family.

I am getting ready to have surgery Monday and while it may seem minor to some, I am scared being unconscious for almost 2 hours without Mike being here and not being able to be on my feet for the rest of the week. Knowing though that I have a whole group of women that are praying for me and offer encouraging words does help. I have the best group of friends. Even though the majority of us have never met we consider each one our friend. We have a common bond and we know what each is going through. As the saying goes, "been there, done that and got the shirt". We lean on each other even though we are miles and miles apart. We are there for one another no matter what.

I know Mike has always said the friendship in the military is nothing like the friendship in the civilian world and he is so right. When you have people you have never met send you cards of encouragement just to let you know they are thinking of you says so much about them. I hate asking for help but had to this coming week and the one dear friend that is taking me to the hospital gladly offered to take me and bring me home even though her husband and kids will be home. I have another dear friend who has offered to take my box to the post office for me this week to get mailed off to Mike.

Like I said we know what each other is going through most of the time and it helps. While some people say they understand, they don't. Just knowing you can e-mail someone and vent and they understand and they won't judge you makes going through all the changes we do so much easier.

Sometimes in life we don't realize just how important having friendships can be but as we get older and have changes in our lives happen, we learn just how important friendships are. We talk online daily with some and even though we are far apart each of us are part of one an others lives. We are there through marriages, breakups, pregnancy's and seeing our children grow up. There is nothing like seeing pictures of children that you seen their newborn pictures and now they are up and about walking all over. In some way you just feel a part of that extended family. Even though I come from a big family, my "family" has increased so much in the last two years.

Mike is doing good now that he is back there. He misses everyone. We don't get to talk everyday but when we do it is so great!! We are on the backside of this finally. Please keep Mike and all our troops in your thoughts and prayers.

A hug and kiss and....

Well we start the second half of this deployment. We were at the airport at 0530. Nothing like being in a busy airport and trying to stay strong and not cry. I tried to stay strong for Kyla and not to cry in front of Mike. Didn't work to good. To try to make it easier Mike wanted to go outside and smoke before he boarded the plane and say our bye's there instead of inside the airport. Kyla did good and then it was time and we did the best we could.

Several hugs and kisses and a note slipped into his pocket and he was on his way..... I think about the time we pulled into the driveway we had stopped crying but then when I walked into our bedroom and held his shirt he left me it started again, at least it wasn't in front of Kyla. So now we start the days of not knowing where he is for a few days. Whoever thinks sending them back after R&R is easier, they are wrong!

We had a great 2 weeks. Mike wanted to do nothing and that is what he did. The main thing he did want to do was to drive since they have to walk everywhere. He got to drive all he wanted to and he was so happy, me on the other hand, sat in the passenger seat biting my lip and praying....LOL We got to go and get his early birthday present for him so he has a new game for his PSP to play. I'm glad we were able to get it since it just came out Thursday.

We are now on the backside of this deployment and hope and pray it goes by very very fast. Kyla is doing great in school this year and made varsity choir!! We have a lot going on this month so that will help and then Kyla and I will be going back to Missouri in November so that will keep us busy too.

Nothing breaks your heart more than seeing your teenager trying to be strong and hold back tears and knowing there isn't a whole lot you can do but just be there and have open arms for hugs....

Please keep all of our military in your thoughts and prayers....

We made it another month

As I sit here this week I thought we as military spouses, fiance's, and loved ones are unknowingly fighting amongst one another and we really don't mean to. You have some of us who are hoping that time stands still and you have others of us who hope that time moves so fast that we don't notice. In a way it is funny when you think of it. I know right now I am hoping time stands still for right now and several are wishing the same thing but for different reasons and we have others who are hoping that time moves so fast for them.

We are enjoying being a family again, even though it is for a short time right now. I can't tell you how nice it is to look over and see him sleeping in his chair and hear him snore. Oh, I can't say enough how much I have missed hearing Mike snore!! Peanut was so happy to see him she couldn't stop dancing around. Kyla didn't know he was home so when I went to pick her up from school and she seen Mike in the car she started crying and couldn't stop. She held on to him so tight and just beamed from ear to ear.

Thank goodness the weather down here changed in time for Mike to come home. We finally got rain so everything had greened up which he was so glad to see green grass. Had he been a week earlier it wouldn't have been. It is so nice to cook for all of us again. I know they say when the soldiers come home, even for R&R, some have problems adjusting but for us it has gone back to the way it was before he left. Even though they are talking about the next deployment already, we don't discuss it right now. We take one day at a time and cherish each and everyone.

While there is some things about the military I don't understand and may like, I will say seeing how content Mike looks it makes me feel so happy. We know the dangers, contrary to what some may say or think, that they are in and we pray each and everyday for their safe returns to us. I think we each do something of our own to make us feel a little peaceful. I light a candle every night that is by a picture of Mike. I light it in honor of Mike and in memory of a dear friend's husband who did not make it back home this year. As little as lighting a candle maybe to some it brings me peace and a little comfort.

Please keep all of our military in your thoughts and prayers. Please remember also if any of you are wanting to send anything over to Mike for Christmas to please mail it early as the mail gets really slow during the holidays. As we get ready to head into the holiday season we know this will not be an easy time for a lot of people but we will get through it with the love and support of family and friends.

Another day in our lives

Well we are almost at the 4 month mark. While it has been so hot and dry here it is nothing like what Mike is dealing with. The other day it was 130 degrees over there. I don't think I will ever complain about cold weather again. Rain would be nice to have too. Mike has not seen rain since he left the states. We have finally been give R&R, rest and relaxation, dates!!! We are so happy and counting down. I've told Mike that from the minute I pick him up at the airport he isn't doing anything. I just want to be able to look over at his chair and see him sitting or sleeping there with Peanut snuggled up to him. We are not going anywhere or doing anything. Mike decided before he left that when R&R time came he just wanted to come home and that is what we are doing, staying at our home.

While it has not been a good past few weeks here, I have the best husband in the world who reminds me that he is proud of me for handling everything here. What some don't realize is that those of us left back here deal with more than just normal day to day things, we have loved ones who are in a war zone, we have to deal with children, car repairs and people who just don't understand and all the while keeping a "happy face" on. While things have happened that really make me question the mom and wife I am, I know in my heart that I am doing the best I can do and that without God's help and guidance it would be a lot worse. In my prayers every day and night are for our families and friends, for God to watch over our loved ones who are away from us. Please continue to keep them in your thoughts and prayers.

I know that getting to chat on line has helped what some need to realize that we don't get to chat, talk or see or loved ones everyday. We can't see their faces to see how they are doing, we can't hear their voices to hear how they are. What some need to know also is that chatting does help it does not take away the lonliness, the pain or the worry. There are days that I don't think my shoulders can get any larger and carry anymore but knowing what Mike is doing and that all of them are doing it for our protection and freedoms makes my shoulders grow more and a little easier to carry on. A friend of mine whose husband just left and like all of us her heart is broken. The best piece of advice I could give her was that the shower makes a perfect place to have your breakdowns. We have a saying that we have to wear our "big girl panties" well let me tell you sometimes we get tired of those dang things.

Thank goodness school finally starts down here tomorrow, the 24th. I swear I will be doing cartwheels in the street when I get back from taking her to school!!! It has been a very long summer.. Kyla will be starting her sophmore year. That is hard to believe!! She is looking forward to it.

While I have mentioned this before I am going to mention it again. Please take the time and visit: www.bubbasbellyrun.com This is a site and fundraiser a dear friend of mine has started. Her husband had been home on R&R earlier this year and had just been back in Afghan for 2 weeks and lost his life. Capt. Brian "Bubba" Bunting left behind his wife and a beautiful little boy. His wife found out several days after notification of his death that she is pregnant. It was her and her husbands dream to add to their family and that dream will continue. She is having a walk/run in September in the DC area. They are selling flags for $5.00 each. She is hoping to have a flag for each American Hero that has lost their life, right now that count is a little over 5,000. While I can't be there this year for the walk/run I have purchased my flags to help out. The money raised will be going to flat daddies, American Widow's Project and an education fund for their children.

Since I have had Mike's address to send him care packages I think we have sent almost 20 boxes so far!! It helps Kyla and I to feel like we are still able to take care of him even if we can't be with him daily. He loves the microwavable meals, microwavable soups and snack foods. We can't send chocolate over yet but when we can we will stock him up. Once school starts I will be sending him Kyla's grades and work so he can feel in contact with us. I have already started planning on the "special" boxes, Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthday's his and Kyla's. It normally takes about a week for them to reach the guys over there. If anyone is planning on sending boxes at Christmas time please remember it can and will take extra time.

Please continue to keep Mike and all our troops in your thoughts and prayers. Just knowing that we back home are supporting them means the world to them.

3 months down

Well we are now at 3 months down. While it seems like it has been a short time it also seems like it has been the longest 3 months ever. Sometimes I sit here and think it has only been 3 months but then there are the times that it seems like it has been forever. We still have a ways to go but we are making it. Has it gotten easier, not so much. I don't think the loneliness, the feeling of being lost and not hearing Mike snore or come in from work or getting after Kyla will ever get easy.

Mike's parents, grandma and niece came down this past weekend and we had a really good visit. Thank goodness Mike was able to get online on Sunday and web cam so his parents and grandma could see him and talk to him. I am so glad the Internet cooperated for us. We went shopping and I took the girls to the pool. It was a relaxing yet very quick visit. Thank goodness they did come down since Mike's dad was able to fix my car without me having to pay a boat load of money. It was so good to see everyone, especially Mike's grandma. This was her first visit down here and to see the look on her face Sunday when she seen Mike on the computer screen was priceless. It took all I had not to start crying just seeing the joy in her eyes. It was hard to say bye to them this morning but Kyla and I are planning on going back to Missouri in November for a few days. It will be good to go back so I can see my side of our family. While some have asked if it would have been easier to move back home while Mike is gone, in some ways it might be but being down here with everyone who is going thru the same thing has been so much easier on us.

Mike looks good and sounds good. They are working very long hours. It helps me to go and buy things to send over to him, even if I can't be there it helps me to get different things and send to him so that I still feel I am taking care of him. If anyone would like to send him a letter or card or a package and needs his address please contact me and I can give it to you. It is still so hard to come home to an empty house, to go to bed at night, eat dinner without him sitting beside me. Mike was picked to give Gov. Nixon, from Missouri, a tour of their camp in July. Several govenors went overseas and toured the different military members. For those of you who havent seen the picture yet you can go to www.mo.gov and the picture was on their home page. While Mike didn't think it was a "big deal" Kyla and I are so proud of him. I think it helped when they realized that Mike was from Gov. Nixon's hometown too.

Kyla is doing really good. We have had our times but we work thru them. It is hard on her since this is the longest she has been without her daddy but she has grown up so much emotionally. I think "military kids" have to grow up so much so fast and it is sad but the majority of them are really good kids and have such huge hearts, it makes you so proud of them. Kyla has been working this summer. They have a summer internship down here on post. The kids work a few hours each day and have to keep a journal about their work and attend different workshops. Even with it being an internship they do get paid too. She has been working at a day care and has a whole new outlook on children.

I think it has taken this long for me to actually feel like a person again. I am sleeping a little better and actually feel like getting out of the house. I just really hate going places without Mike. If we go anywhere and are gone for awhile, I just can't wait to get back home. I hate being away from home, I don't think that feeling will ever change until Mike comes back home.

Please remember to visit the following website: http://www.bubbasbellyrun.com/ It is a fellow military spouse's site. Nicki lost her husband in Afghan in February of this year and a few days after loosing her husband she found out she was pregnant. Her husband had just been back in Afghan 2 weeks when he was killed after being home for R&R, rest and relaxation. It was their dream to have more children as they have one precious little boy so this baby is a true miracle. Nicki has started a memorial run/walk in "Bubba's" memory. It will be held in the DC area in September on their anniversary. The money raised is going to some great causes. Even if you can't be at the run you can purchase a flag that will be in honor of those that have been lost in Afghan and Iraq. It is her hope to have a flag for each of our Hero's who have been lost.

Please keep Mike and his fellow soldiers in your thoughts and prayers. All of our military members need your prayers and please remember their families also.

Almost 2 months down

Well we have made it almost 2 months, 2 days shy. It has been a long 2 months and contrary to what some may seem, it does not get easier. Yes, you get used to your spouse not coming home from work, going to bed alone and cooking for 2 sometimes 1, but it does not get easier.

We have had communication while not talking personally on the phones we do get to IM each other a few times a week. Please do not think that that makes it any easier too because it doesn't. We, Kyla and I, still cry when we see Mike has signed off. Sleep, now that would be nice also. I know that Mike has it 110 times worse where he is and I don't complain, but God please just a few nights of sleep would be oh so nice.

Kyla and I have been trying to stay busy. We have spent several days at the pool here on Post. The other day coming home Kyla had a breakdown. The pool we go to is actually over by Mike's hanger so in a way it makes us feel closer to him and we love watching the jets coming and taking off. It was hard seeing all the kids at the pool playing with their dads. People assume that teenagers really don't care one way or another but try being a parent to a teenager who has a parent or both parents in the military, you will see a whole new side to teenagers. Kyla did get hired for a summer internship program here on Post for the summer. She will be keeping an on-line blog and will get paid after the internship is over in 12 weeks. She had to go thru an interview process and filling out an application. This is good experience for her. She will be working at a child care center.

Mike seems to be doing as good as can be expected. He has had a few times of being a little down missing home but he does seem good. I've kept the United States Postal Service busy with mailing him packages. I think I've averaged 2-3 a week. I've already started planning his birthday box and his Christmas boxes too. If anyone would like to send him things and need ideas just let me know. I also have sent out a recipe for baking a cake in a jar which I found out you can also do brownies and muffins in jars also.

Please remember that even though the media does not tell all, things are not what they may seem and our men and women serving over there need all the good thoughts and wishes you can send them. Please do not forget them.

I am including a website: www.bubbasbellyrun.com please please if you get a chance go to this site and read "Bubba's" remarkable story and life that was taken way to early. His wife is an inspiration to each and everyone of us and this is a wonderful thing she has started. I would love to be able to participant in the run but it is in the DC area and I won't be able to go. I will be supporting this cause though because it hits very close to home in more ways than one.

As most know I lost my first husband in 2001 to a car accident. We had just celebrated our 6th anniversary 6 weeks earlier and even though some may not understand my feelings but this has a lot to do I feel with me not sleeping right now. Mike and I celebrated our 6th anniversary on May 31st this year, we are coming up on 6 weeks past so in my mind once I get past that then I am hoping that I will be able to rest. Trust me this is not easy saying or writing but it does help me to put it in writing and get it off my chest. I love Mike with all my heart and soul and no one can imagine the whole in my heart right now, except for other military spouses. Mike was right in saying that Kyla and I would be best staying here for the deployment. We have such great friends that are going thru the same things with us or have gone thru it.

Kyla unfortunately is learning what the life of being in the military is like. Her best friend is getting ready to move, PCS, the end of August. It is very hard for her but she understands that this is the life we have chosen and we will make the best of it. If you could see how proud she is of her daddy you would be in tears daily as I usually am. I printed out a picture of Mike in his uniform for her and she has it framed and hanging on her wall with red, white and blue beads around it. I can tell when she is having a bad day because she will either stare at that picture or hold it. She e-mails her daddy daily and understands he may not get to respond back.

We have had our good and bad days but we get thru them together. Heaven knows we have our times when we would like to strangle one another but we end up laughing or crying or both and make it thru another day. I will tell anyone, Kyla may not be my daughter by blood but I could not be more proud of her and love her. She still is the typical Kyla, typical ditz and some of the things she does just makes me sit and shake my head but that is what helps me get thru the bad days.

Please remember even though the holidays are a ways a way mailing times for sending things over will be cut off a few weeks ahead of time. I know it is a little hard to think of the holidays when we are now at 7 days straight of 102 and above but it will be here before we know it. Mike told me yesterday that it got up to 122 degrees over there!!

Please keep all of our the men and women serving overseas in your thoughts and prayers daily. They do appreciate it and they know.

One month down

I sit here today, 31 May 2009, by myself on our 6th wedding anniversary. Sweetheart please know I Love You more than the day we married and I miss you so much. To some it is not a big deal for anniversaries but considering that we are apart by 7,000 miles and 8 hours time difference it is huge to me. Mike was able to call me this morning. It is unbelievable to hear his ring tone on my phone go off. When I hear that it makes me smile and my heart skip more than one beat.

Last night Kyla and I and some friends of ours went to a concert on post sponsored by the USO. The Lt. Dan Band played and they are amazing. For those of you who have no idea of who he is, he is Gary Sinise and played in Forrest Gump as Lt. Dan. He started his band years ago and they go to various military posts and bases and they go overseas and play for our troops and families. He said this year they are going to Korea, he has been to Iraq four times. It is so nice to see a star care and give so much to our troops and families and not ask for anything in return. There were some feelings hurt last night due to the neglect of people not remembering the troops that are deployed currently but those of us who have our loved ones deployed remembered each of our own in our own way. As I heard his band sing I would reach and hold my dog tags that I have worn since Mike left. Yes there were tears but there was also plenty of smiles too.

One of the friends that we went with has 3 little ones and it was so good to see them dance around and have a good time for the night. One of her boys who is 6 years old is so cute, everyday at 1700 when retreat is played no matter where he is, if he hears it, he stops what he is doing and stands still and salutes until they are done.

One song last night they invited women up on stage to sing with them, well Kyla and my friends daughter was up on stage!! Leave it to Kyla. She had a great time up there. On the way home she was so excited, she said I shook his hand with this hand and touched his other arm with my other hand...

I will admit Friday was the worst day I have had since Mike has been gone. Friday marked one month down.. Every time I seen a formation on post I cried, when I seen the welcome home signs I cried. I don't think some realize the gamut of emotions we go thru. One minute I am fine but then I may hear something, hear a song, a TV show or a soldier walking that walks like Mike does or resembles him and that is pretty much all it takes. Last week Kyla seen some soldiers at her high school who are in 1st Cav. and she was upset they were there and home and Mike isn't. I explained to her they were probably from a different battalion and they just got home or they are on the group that stayed behind to help us families. While she may understand, it still upsets her. I will say that last night after we got home and I checked my computer and seen I had missed a computer call from Mike and listened to his voice mail he left me I broke down pretty bad. Kyla sat next to me, hugging me and handing me Kleenex and assuring me that Mike was thinking of us and missing us as much as we miss him. She has grown up so much in the last month. I tell Mike all the time in e-mails and whenever we get to talk that he would be so proud of her.

Some people don't understand that not all of us get to talk to our loved ones everyday or get to get e-mails from them daily and some things people say are very hurtful but we as loved ones back here know what works best for us and we know communication is not going to be what we all would love for it to be but it can't be helped. Some also do not understand that when they are deployed most of them do not have access to the Internet either due to their locations, the cost, yes we have to pay for it out of our pockets, the weather over there and many other things. We do know when we get a 30 second phone call or the precious voice mail left or an e-mail, we are so grateful!!! I have saved the two voice mails Mike has left me and play them over and over just to hear his voice. Just hearing his voice makes me feel safe and comforted. Yes it is nice to have the access but it does NOT make it any easier on us here at home and really wish people would realize that.

Without dear friends down here it would be so much harder on us. I have two amazing women in my life that have helped me so much and make my life better for knowing them. Their husbands are deployed as well and we lean on one another, cry to one another, laugh with each other and say prayers for each ones husbands and families.

Kyla and I will be leaving this week for a week in Michigan with one of my friends and her children. It will be nice to get away and the kids are looking forward to it. Her parents live up there and we are sort of killing two birds with one stone in this trip. Kyla can't wait to go to the beach up there. We have seen pictures of it and it looks amazing. I would not be going if Mike wasn't alright with us going but he is. That is one of the reasons I love him so much and miss him, he knows we are not back here "living it up" Kyla is going to school, I am working and we are making it thru each day knowing we are one more day closer to him coming home. We have not been give R&R dates yet or length of this deployment but will accept whatever the Army gives us and we will muddle thru.

Please continue to keep Mike and his fellow soldiers in your thoughts and prayers. They need them constantly. I've already sent off 3 care packages to him and started on the next one which will include stamped self addressed envelopes for him to write us. We have sent him everything from snack foods, Captain Crunch cereal to socks. I do not mind one bit having to make trips to get him things we know he needs or might enjoy. If anyone would like his address please let me know and I will get it to you. He would appreciate anything, especially letters and cards just letting him know we are thinking of him and praying for him. There are certain things you can not send over and if you don't know what there are, they include: alcohol, any pork products, "adult" literature, flammable products, and candles are a few of the things you can't send. While some say you can "sneak" them in, please do not. I do not want Mike to get smoked for something he didn't do. Where they are they are watching the packages closely.

I apologize if the post sounds a little down or harsh, but like I said it hasn't been the best week since he left and anyone that knows me knows I am not a mean person but right I am just having a hard time. It will get better. Today has already been made by getting to talk to Mike. He does sound good when we get to talk, tired but good. At least he has gotten used to the time change, me, not so much.. I sit here and look at the time and realize what time it is there and knowing if he is working or not.

As I sit here sometimes I just turn the TV off and listen to music and my heart breaks. I told Mike in one of the packages I sent him that with each package a piece of my heart is in there with each one.

Please like I asked, keep Mike and his fellow soldiers in your thoughts and prayers and please do not assume just because of where he is it is better than other places and please do not take this post as a way for me to bitch and complain, as I stated when I started this blog sometimes it is just easier to put your thoughts and feelings into words without talking. I am so proud of my husband and will stand beside him forever.

If anyone is ever up during the night and can't sleep, give me a call. I'm up, trust me.. Still haven't got used to sleeping alone and trust me Peanut isn't much company....LOL

Memorial Day

As Memorial Day approaches, please, please remember that the Day is for. It is NOT for an extra day off work, BBQ's, swimming pools opening and the un-official start of summer. It is for remembering those who have given the Ultimate Sacrifice for our freedoms and our lives.

Memorial Day has taken a new meaning to me since Mike re-enlisted. I'll be the first to admit I did remember those who have gone before us but it was also a day to get together with family and friends, but now Memorial Day hits so close to home for us. I pray nightly for our troops to remain safe while they are away from their families and friends and I especially have a special place in my heart for a dear woman and her children. She lost her husband this year in Afghanistan. He was in his mid 20's and has left this world far to soon. He left behind a beautiful wife and a precious son. He has also left behind a son who will be born this year.

It is now going on 5 days since I have had contact with Mike and yes it is getting to me but I have a "gut" feeling he is alright and just moving. I pray that I hear from him soon. So please as you go about your personal business in the coming days and get aggravated with those you love, remember those who can not make contact with theirs.

As a way of help me to get thru this, I have two candles lit in our house every night. One for Brian "Bubba" Bunting, this one has been lit since February and one for my husband, the man I love and miss so much it hurts, Mike. Please keep him and his team in your thoughts and prayers, and please remember those who have left us far to soon and those they left behind.

Like I said please remember what Memorial Day is for. If you have the chance please thank a Veteran or visit the cemeteries and say a Thank You.

Almost 3 weeks and counting

Well we are one day shy of 3 weeks and counting. I will be so glad when Mike gets Internet access. It is kind of hard to cram in as much as you want to in a 3 or 4 minute phone call. When he called Sunday, Kyla was finally able to talk to her dad. It was the first time since he left. She was so excited and happy.

When I do get to talk to Mike he sounds good, very tired, but good. For those who sent me letters for his book, thank you very much. He loved it!!! He especially loved the letter from Peanut and Sheba.. Trust me, I go no where without my cell phone now. When I am at home I have the cell phone in one hand and the house phone in the other and that includes in the bathroom too. I have made it thru my first "crisis" without him. My dad was admitted to the hospital last week for chest pains and as it turned out he had 3 heart attacks in a matter of a couple of weeks. He now has 5 stints in. I felt to helpless down here and I wasn't able to get home like I wished I could have. Mike finally was able to call me and that is all I needed was to hear his voice to calm me and comfort me. He just knows what to say or how to say it to make me feel better. Luckily my dad is home now and feeling better.

The other night while sitting up unable to sleep I got an e-mail from Mike which surprised me so much I just sat here and cried while I read it over and over. He was able to send me his address so now we can start sending care packages!! YEAH!! For some reason having that address makes me feel a little better.

I won't lie and put on an act, this is hard as hell... I don't care who says what. Knowing you can't just pick up a phone to hear them, knowing they won't be home at night to comfort you, and mainly knowing how long they will be gone really eats at you little by little. I can say that without very close and good friends and support I don't know how people do it. I have some of the best friends here who have been God send. I honestly don't know what I would do without them.

Kyla has done such an amazing job since Mike left. I tell him when we get to talk he would be so proud of her!! She has been a huge help and has grown in just 3 weeks. She is hoping to get hired here for a summer internship. They are starting a new program down here for teenagers and they will get paid while working. Tonight is her last choir concert for the year. I will be taking my camera to take pictures to send Mike. She hasn't said anything but I know how much it hurts her that her daddy can't be here but she understands.

We are hoping once he gets Internet the communication will be better. I will let you know when he gets it in case anyone wants to e-mail him. I also signed him up on the Adopt-a-Soldier program back home on a radio station. I just want him to feel and know how much we love and miss him but that we are also so proud of him... I know I can't send him everything he wants, such as his chair or the water bed but little things will help, I hope.. The last time we talked he told me he had been taking pictures and will send them to me as soon as he can. I can't wait..

Please keep him and his team in your thoughts and prayers.

A week in the life....

Well we have made it one week. It has been the longest week ever. In case anyone is wondering what the life of a deployed loved one is, I will let you know.

For the past week I have not gone any where without my cell phone in my hand or the house phone in the other hand. We never know when that precious phone call will come in. We also don't know for how long we will get to talk, just FYI, the average has been 4 minutes. It is amazing how much you can cram into that short amount of time.

Another part of our life is learning to go on 2 nights sleep in a week. We have learned what it is like to have such great friends that they are now considered family. We also have to learn to make it thru the evenings and nights alone. While our loved ones are away we also learn to do things we never thought we could. Sometimes I sit out at night and watch the moon rise and realize that where Mike is the moon is setting. I hope that as I look up that Mike is looking up at the same time. Even though I know Mike does not have internet access right now I have sent him an e-mail every night so that when he does get it he will have something to read.

Many do not realize that yes we now have computers and web cams but while they are overseas not all of that works the best, so we also have to get used to dropped phone calls, sand storms wrecking havoc on the internet and that they just don't have the time to call all the time. I am not one to moan, whine and cry when I don't hear from Mike everyday because I realize he is doing his job over there and he will call when he can. With that being said, it does not mean that I sit here at night and now worry about him because I do. I won't lie, the nights here are hell but I also know what he is going thru is far worse than what we are going thru here back home.

A very dear friend of mine took Kyla with her Friday night and took her Mother's Day shopping for me. She got me a new swimsuit and coverup. I told my friend she didn't have to do that and her reply was "I know I didn't have to, I wanted to". I honestly do not know what we would do without our friends here.

It is hard to explain to Kyla when we see homecoming signs why her daddy isn't coming home now with them. People tend to forget that even though she is a teenager, the older kids have problems too and they need support and guidance.

As being apart we also learn that on laundry days how much it hurts when we don't have their laundry to do. We also learn how to have dinner's without them. As we sit down to dinner each night we pray not only for Mike but for all of our soldiers to return home soon and safe. Another dear friend of mine is getting ready to welcome home her soldier and I am so happy for her and her kids.

Please remember us in your prayers and thoughts and all of our service members and please remember that just because our children may be little or big they too are hurting on the inside.

Our day came

I was notified that Mike is now in Kuwait so I can now update y'all.

When it was time to leave to go to the hanger we stopped by a gas station to pick up a few things for him. While we were sitting in the parking lot I gave him a small book I put together with letters from family and friends and of course me and Peanut and Sheba, along with some family pictures. I told him not to open it until he was on the plane. I honestly didn't think it would bother him but he got choked up, well that is all it took for the 3 of us to sit in the parking using the new box of Kleenex I had just bought.

Kyla and I dropped Mike off at his hanger for weapons check and we headed over to the gym. About 2 hours later the soldiers started coming in. It took what seemed like forever for them to get checked in. Mike sat between Kyla and I and I don't think you could have put a piece of paper between us. We sat there for 3 hours just hanging on. As we sat there my heart was breaking but then looking around seeing the young mom's leaving their babies, the dad's leaving their babies and the soldiers, who you know this is their first time, having no one there for them. You could just tell by the looks on their faces. I seen several with heads bowed and hands clasped.

Finally the announcement we had been dreading was made, it was now time to say our by's. The Chaplain said a prayer while you could hear sobbing in the background. Kyla had done really good all day until then. She just grabbed her daddy and wouldn't let go. I hugged and held on so tight so not to let go. Just one more hug, one more kiss, one more scent of Mike's cologne but the time had come. Kyla and I walked out hugging each other. Mike's CO's wife and kids were there, this is also their first deployment as a family. He has 4 children. His wife and children stood outside by Kyla and I waiting for them to come out of the gym and load on the buses.

We stood there with our flags waiting for them. Finally they started coming out of the gym. Of course Mike's unit was the very last one out. We were able to see him one more time and blow kisses and I Love You's to him. The CO's daughter was able to hug her daddy one more time.

We went to his bus and seen him sitting there waving at us and winking at Kyla. The wink did it again to Kyla. She said every day when he used to leave for work he would wink at her. Thank goodness I had a very dear friend there with us with her kids for support and to take pictures for us. Her daughter and Kyla are friends so that helped. Her husband is deployed now. I honestly don't know what I would do without my friends down here.

Kyla and I finally left the parking lot and got something to eat and came home. Mike was able to call me before they left here. The next time I heard from him they were at their first stop in MN. they flew from there to the Netherlands and on to Kuwait. I haven't heard from him yet and probably won't until the weekend but I go nowhere without either the house phone in my hand or my cell phone. Please understand if anyone calls me and suddenly hang up it is because Mike is calling.

Kyla and I have already started a care package for him as soon as we get an address. As soon as I get it I will let y'all know. So now we are adjusting to this and wondering when the lost feeling we have will leave. As most of you know I lost my first husband due to a car accident but this is a lost feeling like I have never felt before and is very hard to try and explain it. Everyone tells me that it will take a couple of months to get into our routine and that feeling to leave, but I wonder if it will leave.

Kyla was hugging me last night and told me that she is going to try really hard not to be a "hecklion" anymore and it took me a little bit to figure it out. She didn't want to say the word hellion so she invented a new word.

I finally laid down around 0300 this morning only to fall asleep 20 minutes before my alarm went off. We sit here now and look around and see Mike's chair empty, we don't hear him making "noises" and blaming it on Peanut, or hear him yelling at the TV remote or the traffic.

It has now been 25 hours since he left. We do not have a time frame yet so we are prepared just in case for the long option that was given. We have also banned a word from our vocabulary, Good Bye, instead we just by or so long.

Please keep Mike and his team in your prayers and thoughts and if you happen to have an extra one please say it for me and Kyla. Again, I can't say enough for the dear friends I have made down here. Everyone I have met has either been thru this before, going thru it right now or expecting the return of their loved ones. It does make a difference to have so many people around you during this time. Please also remember when you see someone in uniform please treat them with the respect and dignity they deserve. You never know what they have gone thru while wearing that uniform.

When reality hits you

This week another Hero was killed in Afghan along with 3 others. While I have never met him or his wife, just reading about him I could tell what a special young man he was. His wife is a member of a Army Wives chat board that I belong to and while we have not seen one another, it hit us like a ton of bricks.

Bubba was a 28 year old Captain in IRR status and was re-called last year. He leaves behind a very strong and loving wife and a precious little boy who was the light of his life. From reading different sites and what others have written about him, made all of us realize how lucky we were to have him fighting for our country. He was a graduate of West Point and made his family so proud of him. He and his wife had such plans when he got back home and now she will carry out those plans without him. While I do know some of what she is feeling, I do not know the feeling of coming home to find Chaplains waiting for you to tell you your life has now been halted and turned upside down. It was bad enough for me to get a knock on the door years ago. Bubba was just home on R&R just 2 weeks ago and was able to speak to his wife about his feelings. The one thing she said that he had told her was right before he left to go back and that was, "If something happens while I'm gone, I will be at peace with myself as I have everything in my life that I could ask for".

Our time is down to single digit weeks before my Hero heads to defend our lives, freedom and country. All of the people on my chat board have gone thru so many emotions this week and our hearts are breaking for Bubba's family. This tragedy has hit "home" so to speak and made us all have a wake up call, so to speak. Please keep Bubba's family in your thoughts and prayers and understand I will not give out any other information due to security reasons, OPSEC, and for the safety of his family. Please keep Mike and all of our loved ones in the military in your prayers and thoughts. While you may not think it matters, it does. I can tell you knowing that people who care are thinking of them makes it a little easier for each of us to go on another day.

We will be heading back home in a few weeks for a visit with our families and friends before Mike leaves. We are excited to go back home since it will have been a year since we were there, but at the same time we are sad because we know that it will mean he is leaving in just a little while. Kyla and I have so much support here in Texas we know we will be alright but all the support in the world does not take away any fears and the reality of what is going on.

Like I have asked before please please keep Bubba and his family in your thoughts and prayers..

As time goes by....

Well we are now into February and things are moving so fast for us while I know it is moving slow for so many waiting on their loved ones to come home. It seems like this time has just jumped right up in my face and stuck it's ugly tongue out at me. I know I'm not the only one going thru this but we all have our own ways to get our feelings out and this is mine.

We spent the last weekend running all over getting things that he will need when he does leave that the military DOES NOT provide. People would actually be surprised as to how much the soldiers have to pay out of their pocket for things and it isn't a small amount. Some things we picked up are to keep him comfortable while gone.

Mike tried very hard to pack up his one box Sunday before I got up so I wouldn't see him but it didn't work. So I sat and watched and then went to the bathroom and let it out in there so no one would know, didn't work. Mike found a metal travel mug in his car that he wants to take with him because it has Peanut's teeth marks on it from her chewing on it. When he told me that I just melted. They have to have some things ready to go very very soon so time draws near..

While none of us are happy about our loved ones leaving for an extended period of time, there isn't a one of us who could not be prouder of them as they do get ready to leave. As it gets closer I can tell little changes in Mike, not bad ones, but more sensitive. Kyla isn't talking to much about it. It is hard on her as a lot of her friends' parents are coming home now and she is getting ready to see her daddy off.

We have been having meetings to help us prepare for this but I don't think any amount of meetings can help you with the many emotions that you go thru. I am trying to come up with a couple of things to "sneak" into a bag for Mike to find when he gets there to help him get thru this too. Some people complain about having their loved ones around them so much, not us... We love when he comes home in the middle of the day to surprise us and to spend time with us. These moments mean so much to us. I have been taking many pictures to keep and to send also.

On a different note, I have started working part-time. A friend of mine down here has a very special foster son in her home who has cerebral palsy. He is 10 years old and the most special boy. His laughter and smile just melts your heart. She has been so generous that she has worked my schedule so that I only work one evening a week and the rest are mornings. I love working with him and it is what I love doing. Once Mike leaves Kyla will be coming to the house where I am so that she isn't home alone on my one evening and during the summer. We have met some of the most wonderful people down here.

I will write more as time allows and as I'm allowed to post.